I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
