Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
