I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
