3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
