saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
