Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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