put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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