Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
