She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
