I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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