I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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