Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I am puke
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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