Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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