best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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