I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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