Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
