College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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