never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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