She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Randomize
