There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
