my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
