Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
