I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
