My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?