She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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