I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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