I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
