its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
