The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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