Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
