new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Randomize
