He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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