Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
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Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
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I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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