Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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