I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
