Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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