I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
