Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
