I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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