I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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