dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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