My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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