Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
