I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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