I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
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I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
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He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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