there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Gay?
German.
Pity.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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