I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
