you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize