he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
