My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
