My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
