No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
