i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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