I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
