My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
