I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
